Would you like to get up, close and personal with me? Well, I’ll probably be reprising my role in Equus sometime this year, where you can see as much of me as you want, so keep some cash aside for buying tickets.
I’ve been out of the news loop for so long. Ever since Pattinson started giving his smouldering Cullen-ish looks on-screen, my screaming teenage fans have all but forgotten me. How could they? I am Harry Potter, I’m geek chic, I’m the boy wizard. Some upstart pasty vampire and shirtless werewolf moron come along, and I’m all but forgotten. Pattinson started off in MY movie, I am responsible for bringing him into the limelight. I even allowed him to take some more screen space than he deserved in the Triwizard Maze scenes, and this is how he repays me? By stealing all my adoring fans, my screaming girls, my stalkers. I HATE HIM! And if his actions weren’t bad enough, along came that shirtless moron. I mean, Lautner just took his shirt off, and got more publicity than when I did when I took all my clothes off. I HATE HIM!
The seventh movie will soon be out, and what am I going to do after that? I’m not hot, I don’t have a good body, I can’t even act. I was only good for Potter, and when it’s done, I can probably get a dozen more pathetic movies on its hype. But what after that? Grint is probably in a worse situation than me, but what do I care? Emma is secure, she’ll just use her looks to good advantage. But me? What do I do? Oh, how many times I’ve asked Rowling to write more Potter books, but that witch! She has no problem in her life, she’s got billions to live off, but I need something to work out. I can’t be doing Equus all my life! I need a new image, and fast!
I got an idea! I can get one of my fans to be my image consultant! Cool, isn’t it? Guys, give me ideas, what I should do to repackage myself, how I can become the next Johnny Depp, what sort of movies I should lobby for, blah blah. I want you guys to design a comprehensive proposal, a five-year roadmap for my career, and the winner gets to work with me. It’s a fabulous life, man, and you’ll get to live it with me.
Get your wands out, and add some magic to my life!
Dan
