Monday, November 1, 2010

Charlie Sheen

WHO AM I: Actor

You’d better leave awesome comments on this post, or else I’m gonna personally drive down to your house and beat the shit out of you.

Women, women, women! Whoever said they were complicated bitches got it perfectly right. All my wives fall into that category. Look at Denise. She wanted a spicy marriage, but she couldn’t handle a few punch-ups now and then. Girl, it was all fun and games! We get high, pull a few punches, then fall into bed and have the most amazing time ever. So what if you had to cover up a black eye or bruises a couple of times, it’s all part of the game! It’s not like you are Angelina Jolie that everybody’s going to shadow your every move. She threw a f***ing restraining order at me! And now she’s threatening to “tell all”. Bitch! One day she’s going to find her favorite dog’s head under the blankets. One day I’m going to catch her in a deserted place and beat her up to a pulp for spreading shit about me. One day…Oh, Denise, you just wait and see!

Never get married. I really thought Brooke would be different, but she was as bad as Denise. She started pissing me off right from the beginning, and when I did what any husband would do to put her in her place, she called the bloody cops on me. You want to know why she’s in rehab? Coz she was once so coked up that she put marijuana in the twins’ cereal which led to a near-death experience for them. And she managed to drag me into rehab as well. Dude, I don’t need rehab, I’m awesome, I’ve got no problems. But all the tabloids are skewering me right, left and centre, and even Chuck Lorre thought that it was best for Two and a Half Men if I disappeared for a while, so I got stuck in rehab. Not that I care a shit.

So, I know you guys love Two and a Half Men, and now it’s time for you to show that love. Write the script for an episode of the show, and if it’s the best, we’ll actually work it into the show. Yup, you heard that right! You can be credited as a writer for an episode of Men, and that would really kick start your Hollywood career, dude. Since I’m going to be judging (as I have nothing better to do for some time), your episode should satisfy 3 criteria: Charlie should come out a winner, Charlie should hook up with at least 3 girls and there should be quite a few Brooke Mueller jokes (and if you can, Denise Richards too). Scripts without the three above will be disqualified.

Get writing, while I go get high and beat up a few hookers.


Image sourced from here