I guess I’ve done enough of the dignified silence thing. My f***head of an ex-husband is parading his latest conquest, and tabloids have moved on from my divorce to Courteney’s impending one. I can talk freely about this, you know, do the whole dignified heartbroken wife moving on to better things.
People have asked me why I married Jesse in the first place. I mean, he looks like a monster truck, and has an appetite for tattooed b**ches (exhibit A: first wife). And he runs a frigging garage! What did I ever see in him? Did he like drug me with a love potion or something? Well, the thing is, despite all the terrible things about him, he really was a breath of fresh air for me. I’d been slotted as the goody-goody girl in Hollywood, and I’d been dating a bunch of cute boys ever since I can remember. Jesse was different. He was decidedly masculine, he was macho, he was the ultimate bad boy. For our first date, he took me to this dirt bike racing thing, and I rode pillion with him as he zoomed away on that monster bike he has. It felt so good!
Marrying him was a spur-of-the-moment thing, a lot like the Ross-Rachel marriage in Vegas (I’m not giving you details, though!). And then came the baggage: the crazy ex, the wandering eyes, the tattoo fetish. Honestly, if he had cheated on me with some hot babe, I’d have been mad, but at least I’d have had some respect left. But no, he finds the trashiest chicks in the garbage bin! That pissed me off more than anything. Dude, I’m gorgeous. If you cheat on me, have standards.
So, I’m planning to produce a new movie, and I have the role of a 16-year old open for all you pretty little things. The movie is about lying cheating scumbags who break innocent little girls’ hearts by showing them dreams of castles built of moonbeams and instead giving them dirty shacks in Baltimore, and how this mom fights to free her daughter from the clutches of one such shady guy. Send in your audition tapes for the role, and if you’re good enough to play my daughter (like duh, I’m playing the mother), you’re in. It’s going to be another Oscar for me, that’s for sure. And you could sneak in a nom, if you’re lucky.
Love you all
Sandy
Image sourced from here
