Monday, October 25, 2010

Hermione Granger

Had I known that being married was such a pain, I would have stopped Harry from killing Voldemort that fateful day 13 years ago. For then my life would have had a purpose, a noble one, of saving the world from an evil, megalomaniacal super-wizard. As opposed to now, where I have to save myself from a human Galactus.

The problem of being married to your high-school sweetheart is that you already know all the crazy quirks in character that, otherwise, you’d spend fifteen years getting bored of. So, by the time you’re 30, you wish that your husband would be a little less self-obsessed, a little more secure about who his best friend is, and a little less hungry. Yes, you heard me right: less hungry. I can deal with the constant whining about how everybody kowtows to Harry and nobody recognizes him: I just switch off. But when your husband eats the equivalent of the annual food consumption of Africa in one day, it gets irritating. Even if you are the best witch in six continents.

Hogwarts spoiled him: those poor house-elves conjuring seven-course buffets in front of him for seven years led him to believe that he could have it for the remaining seventy. And on his modest income, that’s stretching it. I earn well enough to support all his dietary needs, but I’m not going to spend all my money in feeding him; I need to create a good retirement fund for myself. All his money, and my time, go in crafting his daily meals. That’s why he weighs 325 pounds. And that’s why our TV watching consists of Jamie Olivier, Top Chef (which he doesn’t watch for Padma Lakshmi, like every other guy) and every other cooking show in existence. He even watches late night infomercials where they show good food made by all those stuff they sell. And he’s still hungry.

I love him, I really do, but I don’t think I want to be his personal chef for the next fifty years. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not thinking of leaving him, just putting him in food rehab, to knock off that extra flab, and kick his binging habits. But the problem is, there are no good rehab clinics for food addiction. What he needs now is not just a gym and a good diet, but a complete detox regimen to get him off his craving. I can’t find one to suit my needs, so I’ve substituted it with Confundus Charms and Obliviating his memory (oh, how I wish the Imperius Curse were not banned!), but I can’t keep it up much longer. So I hope that you, my readers and my fans, will give me some advice as to how I can get his weight down to a readable number.

Image sourced from here