Sunday, January 30, 2011

From the Admin Desk: Week 26

I hate the fact that whenever we go AWOL, we leave some major shithead on the front page. Last time it was tattoo fiend Jesse James, this time it was clueless gayhater Carrie Prejean. We're sorry for those dick moves. We're trying very hard to get some kind of schedule in place, but when you work in a soulless wormhole that zaps all your energy and enthusiasm the moment you enter it, it's kinda hard to come back home and do anything other than crash on the couch.

We'll try our best to get the celeb speak to you on time.


Sunday, January 23, 2011

From the Admin Desk: Week 25

I'm pretty sure there's a good reason why we go AWOL on some weeks, but I'm too hungover to figure it out. I'm going with the easier explanation: celebrities suck. And if I keep this up, I'm going to be out of a job soon.

We'll see how this week pans out.


Monday, January 17, 2011

Carrie Prejean

WHO AM I: Model

I know that the public has a short memory, so I’m gonna refresh your mind. I’m the gorgeous girl who lost Miss USA 2009 because she dared to speak the truth, and was vilified (whatever does it mean? I hope my thesaurus is not playing tricks on me) by the US media for her frank views on same-sex marriage. I’m here because I want to let you know one important thing- I am going to be Vice President of USA in 2012.

Google my name and you’ll find how I was targeted unfairly for saying that gays are scum (yeah, I didn’t say it that way, but that’s what I believe). But it laid the path for my political career. You see, after the whole controversy became public, Sarah Palin called me up. She congratulated me for standing up to those liberal turds and asked me about my views on abortion, creationism and gun control. I told her I was conservative through and through, and she sounded very pleased. A couple of months later, she met me and told me that she was going to run for U.S. President in 2012, and she wanted me as her running mate! Thing is, she is looking to target the younger generation, and she thinks that if she had a superhot running mate, young people would turn out in hordes to vote for her. And she’s got the soccer mom vote, along with the soccer dads, and so it’s a sure victory for us. I’m so honoured, I’m going to be the first female Veep, the youngest Veep ever. Nobody will not take me seriously ever again.

Me and Sarah have become really good buddies. We have regular study sessions at each others’ house- we need to learn about domestic affairs and foreign affairs and economy and all that (did you know that the Middle East is a group of countries, not a hooker bar in Texas?). It’s difficult stuff, you know, I have a hard time remembering what I learnt the previous day. But Sarah’s very supportive, and to see how little a U.S. Senator and potential Veep knows is very encouraging. But I think I could do with a tutor, and I’m looking at you guys for help. Broadly, I’m looking for comprehensive tutoring in U.S. Politics, U.S. History, Foreign Affairs, World History, Economics, yeah that should do. If you guys have tutoring experience, please contact me as soon as you can. I will pay you well, more than any student has. It’s worth it, you can put “Tutored future U.S. V.P” on your résumé.

God bless America. And remember, gays are bad.


Image sourced from here


Sunday, January 16, 2011

From the Admin Desk: Week 24

Sometimes it's tough to be funny, especially when you see a nine-year old girl's funeral. In this climate of increased vituperative rhetoric, we really hope President Obama's speech didn't fall on deaf ears. We hope that people don't forget Christina Green's death within the next 24-hour news cycle. We hope that people will take some time to think about what has been happening, and whether it would be wise to let it continue.


Friday, January 14, 2011

Selena Gomez

WHO AM I: Actress

Well, Miley's off bonging to high heavens, any mention of Jonas sends Demi into hysterical fits, so it seems like I'm the last Disney princess still standing. WOOO!!! I gotta get my agent to hike my prices, this is a reallllly good opportunity to fleece those Disney suits.

Everything is perfect in Selenaland. I've got three of Demi's movies and two of Miley's, along with two of my own, so ur gonna see a lot of this wizard in the next couple of years. And I'll be taking over Demi's place in Sonny with a Chance; Disney is keeping it secret but the show's gonna focus on Sonny's cousin Bonnie (me!) who joins the cast when Sonny is away doing a movie or sumthin. And my band's gonna go on tour next summer, so save up ur pocket money 4 those tickets!

Ok, m I done with the promotion stuff? Can I please talk bout wat I wanna talk? Yea? Cool. Coz wat I really wanted to talk about was my lil thing with Bieber. I love him. Yes, I'm coming out n saying it loud, the Beebs is my first love, n I'm his. 'Parently he fell 4 me wen he saw my show, n he's been trying to cook up the courage to ask me out 4 a while. So sweet, na? We're so good together, we're Justina, the next Brangelina, except 4 the fact that I'm so much hotter than that wrinkled old shrew. People r making so much about me being 2 yrs older than him, but hey, if Demi Moore can romp around with Ashton, who looks like the kid she had at 18, u got no right to throw stones at me. Age aint the deciding factor, it's how gud u r in kiss n cuddle that makes the diff.

N for all my fans, here’s a special sumthin. Go 2 my website n u’ll find a quest. Answer a few lil questions abt me to prove how big a fan u r, n u can unlock sum doors, d last of which is a safe. N in that safe u’ll find a very special gift: a song Beebs n I sang together. It’s gonna be out in, like, a coupla weeks, but u, my fans, can get a very special preview. No, can’t give ya the whole song, sorry, u’d just leak it online n eat away those billions of dollars I’m gonna make.

Image sourced from here


Monday, January 10, 2011

Demi Lovato

WHO AM I: Actress

Yo ho and a bottle of rum! And then I break the bottle and use a shard to carve Joe’s name close to my heart. NO! Why should I hurt myself? I’ll take that shard and plunge it into Ashley’s stomach. Yeah, yeah, that’ll be good revenge. But I really need to figure out how to get the hell out of rehab first. Aaaaaaarrgh…I’m going crazy again.

Joe came to visit me a few days back, thankfully without his wh*re in tow. He said he was really sorry for the way we broke up and how he moved on without looking back at how I was doing. He gave me a light kiss, which deepened when we realized how much we cared for each other. And then one thing led to another, and before we knew it we were in the broom closet, all over each other.

Which leads me to my big announcement: Joe and I are getting back together! WOOO!!! It's not totally official yet, coz Joe has to dump that b**ch and I have to convince the docs I'm not hallucinating. These medicos are such asses, they say I've had a complete nervous breakdown and am hallucinating about Joe, cuz apparently Joe has never come by the rehab house. Yeah, right! I know I'm nuts about Joe, but I'm not that nuts! U know wat I’m thinking? Those docs are in the pay of the CIA. Yeah, yeah, that’s y they’re so eager to do all those tests on me n get me to write everything about who I wanna be n wat I feel. The U.S. Govt. is jealous that I’m more popular than them, n they want to destroy me. No, I’m not gonna let them do that! NO WAY! Wait, did they force Joe to enter into a relationship with that b**ch? Oh My God!!! I gotta get out of here before they brainwash me n ruin my career!

I have a special treat for my fans, who've stood by me while I went after my true love. Wedding bells are in the air for me, and two of my lucky fans can plan it. Just send in your plans for your dream wedding, your wedding book, actually. The two best ones can collaborate to plan my lavish wedding, money not an issue. So touch up your wedding books, my ladies, while I go dig up my escape tunnel.


Sunday, January 9, 2011

From the Admin Desk: Week 23

Sorry that the first admin update of the New Year is up a little late, but it was languishing in the drafts section and went un-noticed by both of us. Anyway, fun-filled week lined up, with a couple of Disney princesses daring to bare. Their hearts, pervs.


Friday, January 7, 2011

Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

WHO AM I: Reality show star

Y write, y not just make a video or sumthing? It’s so much easier, and cooler. I mean who writes in this space age, wen there’s a camera to record ur every breath. But the dinosaurs at this site wanted written matter. I wudn’t have done it, but the Situation already wrote his crap and I’m like dude, I’m no lesser than him. Whatever Situation does, Snooki does better. Coz she’s got a tan.

Tanning. It’s a way of life man. Nothing turns me on like a tall tanned Italiano, I wud totally smush that even in the middle of Times Square. I’ve always said that my ideal man wud be Italian, dark, muscled…juice head guido. And how do u get dark without a tan? If I were given like one wish for the world, I wud wish for there to b a tanning bed in every home. Poverty, unemployment, global warming, all that u can solve. But the crappy bod without a tan, nothing can solve that. U know, I hate that Obama dude. He’s black, he doesn’t need a tan, n he assumes that the rest of us don’t either. Do ya know that he’s put a 10% tanning tax. A white dude wud never put a 10% tanning tax. This year, I voted for the Reclivan, or watever party that Palin chick belongs to. She’s white, she understands the need for tan. She’ll be good for the country.

Lotsa people have asked me, wats a fat b**ch like u doing on a hottie show like Jersey Shore? Isn’t it supposed to be like a gorgeous girls show? I tell them, turd, Jersey Shore wudn’t exist without me. Angie, she’s a frigging wh*re, if she were the centre of the show, the sun wudn’t rise tomorrow. Sammi’s a nutjob, she’s a b**ch at one moment n a saint in the other n she really has no clue wat she wants n just keeps quacking like a crow. JWOWW is kinda ok, she gives gud advice and joins me in b**ch-beating, but she ain’t me. Nobody can be me. I’m fun, I’m slutty, I hit where it hurts. And I luv animals. I mean, guys dig that. I don’t eat lobster cuz they’re alive wen u kill it, n I’m a vet tech, n I can’t see that. I once saw them cut up a lobster n it hurt so much that I went on a week-long binge n woke up next to a trashy white dude with too many piercings for his own good. And I was like, I left those gorgeous guidos in my apartment for this? And since then I haven’t eaten a frigging lobster. I puke if I see ‘em.

Guess I got nothing more to say. Oh yeah, if ur a guido, or even a white dude with a gud tan, call me. Or better still, turn up at my Jersey Shore home. Do sumthing romantic, sumthing epic. I’m totally a roses-and-chocolates girl, u’ll totally have my attention.

Sexily yours



Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Paul "Pauly D" DelVecchio

WHO AM I: Reality show star

My New Year’s resolution is: Get off sex. Yeah, ya heard that right: DJ Pauly D is going off sex, for a year. Ladies, I will still pick u up at bars and give u the hottest makeout sessions of ur lives, but sex is off the table. Unless I’m really really drunk and don’t have control over my own actions, then it don’t count.

 Y, u ask, y is the awesome DJ Pauly D swearing off sex? Did some wh*re break his heart? Oh, come on, as if some random chick could ever bring down The D! No this, whaddaya call it, epiphany huh? Ok, this epiphany happened when I was hanging out with this bunch of chicks at a bar, n they told me about this new thing called Segion, short for sex-religion. Wat u do is u go to these meetings n they give u sumthing n u get really high n then u attain nirvana, which feels like u’ve f**ked a hundred virgins at a time. Initially I didn’t believe them. What toadshit, I said. They said come, try it. But on one condition, u must not have sex for a week. I was gonna say no, DJ Pauly D cannot go without sex for a week, sex is like air for Pauly. But the offer was too tempting. I managed to diet for a week, n then I went.

Oh, OH, OHHHHH!!! Wat an experience man! I aint good with words, so I can’t describe the feeling to actually make it come before ur eyes, but if DJ Pauly D says it’s AWESOME, it must be beyond imagination. Dude, I’ve never been one for hallucin-sex, but this is killer. U’ll never want to bang another chick again after being through Segion. I spent my entire Christmas weekend just Segioning after those late-night parties, it was heaven.

I know u all r really eager to try out the bong that DJ Pauly D smoked from, but I gotta say, it ain’t for everyone. Segion is for high-performing alpha males, by invite only. I could invite you, but it ain’t gonna be easy. There r sum tasks u gotta do, sum hurdles u gotta overcome. Wat to do? Go to the Jersey Shore website, n sumwhere in the hot photos of me n the lame pics of everyone else is hidden a key, a link to opening the door and handing u ur first task. Find the key, open the door n mail the results of ur first task to me. Then we’ll talk.

Say it with me. DJ Pauly D ROX!!!!

Image sourced from here


Monday, January 3, 2011

Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino

WHO AM I: Reality show star

Everybody lurrrrrrrvs me, babies, dogs, ya know, hot girls, cougars. I just have unbelievable mass appeal. Yeah, baby! I rock your world, I know, even through the TV set. So y m I writing? I mean, seriously, writing, dude? I got an autobiography coming out, ain’t I saying enough in that? Well, yeah, but there’s nothing like too much Situation, ma’ man, if ya know wat I mean.

Y’know wat, God should have created girls without voices. That’d be like the perfect girl, y’know, who u cud roll around with u without getting into the whole drama later. I mean, look at my housemates. Snooki, she’s like Godzilla during Armageddon, and wen she speaks, it’s like The Siren of Hell or sumthin. Jolie thinks she’s the real thing, and goes off every 5 minutes like a half-assed firecracker, no show, all smoke and loud noises. God, wasn’t I glad when she got kicked off- her ass may be hot, but it ain’t one I wanna tap. Sammi’s just f***ing confused, she can’t get with a guy without getting the hots for sumone else. And JWoww, meh. So u see, it’d be so much better if girls didn’t have voices. I cud just go from one to the other without needing a hangover cure and a bucket of aspirin later.

So, I bet the question on all u dudes minds is, how do I get frigging awesome like The Situation? Well, I hate to break it to ya guys, but there is only one Situation. Ur never gonna bcum The Situation, even if ya sell ur wife’s boobs over the Internet. But u can try to be like 1/100 of what I am. And how to do it? Well, if u’ve been watching Jersey Shore, ya already picked up the basics. Yeah, GTL baby. Gym, Tanning, Laundry. If ur hitting the gym for anything less than an hour, ur so gone dude. And u really need ur own tanning bed in ur house. There’s no use having ripped up abs if u don’t have the tan to go with it. And fresh clothes. Dude, u gotta change shirts every hour. It’s like the main rule of guidoism, fresh laundry. Get these in order, n u can pick up a coupla chicks.

Enough with the guy talk. I ain’t interested in the guys, I just wanna talk to u chicks. U better be hot, the dude running this blog said u’d be hot. The Situation’s looking for new bed-buddies, cuz the ones in Jersey r kinda, u know, old meat. I know u girls luv me, so if u want to stroke these hot abs, u just need to ask. Send me ur photos, or links to ur MySpace page with hot pics. If The Situation likes wat he sees, then The Situation will cum down to tap it. N u can go tell ur friends, The Situation banged me. Hell, it’ll really raise ur street cred.

So wat u waiting for? The Situation doesn’t like to be kept waiting.

Luv u girls

The Situation


Saturday, January 1, 2011

From the Admin Desk: Week 22