Friday, January 7, 2011

Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

WHO AM I: Reality show star

Y write, y not just make a video or sumthing? It’s so much easier, and cooler. I mean who writes in this space age, wen there’s a camera to record ur every breath. But the dinosaurs at this site wanted written matter. I wudn’t have done it, but the Situation already wrote his crap and I’m like dude, I’m no lesser than him. Whatever Situation does, Snooki does better. Coz she’s got a tan.

Tanning. It’s a way of life man. Nothing turns me on like a tall tanned Italiano, I wud totally smush that even in the middle of Times Square. I’ve always said that my ideal man wud be Italian, dark, muscled…juice head guido. And how do u get dark without a tan? If I were given like one wish for the world, I wud wish for there to b a tanning bed in every home. Poverty, unemployment, global warming, all that u can solve. But the crappy bod without a tan, nothing can solve that. U know, I hate that Obama dude. He’s black, he doesn’t need a tan, n he assumes that the rest of us don’t either. Do ya know that he’s put a 10% tanning tax. A white dude wud never put a 10% tanning tax. This year, I voted for the Reclivan, or watever party that Palin chick belongs to. She’s white, she understands the need for tan. She’ll be good for the country.

Lotsa people have asked me, wats a fat b**ch like u doing on a hottie show like Jersey Shore? Isn’t it supposed to be like a gorgeous girls show? I tell them, turd, Jersey Shore wudn’t exist without me. Angie, she’s a frigging wh*re, if she were the centre of the show, the sun wudn’t rise tomorrow. Sammi’s a nutjob, she’s a b**ch at one moment n a saint in the other n she really has no clue wat she wants n just keeps quacking like a crow. JWOWW is kinda ok, she gives gud advice and joins me in b**ch-beating, but she ain’t me. Nobody can be me. I’m fun, I’m slutty, I hit where it hurts. And I luv animals. I mean, guys dig that. I don’t eat lobster cuz they’re alive wen u kill it, n I’m a vet tech, n I can’t see that. I once saw them cut up a lobster n it hurt so much that I went on a week-long binge n woke up next to a trashy white dude with too many piercings for his own good. And I was like, I left those gorgeous guidos in my apartment for this? And since then I haven’t eaten a frigging lobster. I puke if I see ‘em.

Guess I got nothing more to say. Oh yeah, if ur a guido, or even a white dude with a gud tan, call me. Or better still, turn up at my Jersey Shore home. Do sumthing romantic, sumthing epic. I’m totally a roses-and-chocolates girl, u’ll totally have my attention.

Sexily yours