Monday, November 22, 2010

Conan O' Brien

WHO AM I: Talk show host

Bit of a hurry here, I’ve got to go do a comedy sketch at my neighbor’s “We bought our first Lamborghini” party. I’m actually quite busy these days. Tina asked me to ghostwrite for 30 Rock, my standup-comic-at-party invite inbox is close to overflowing and I’m taking dance classes (salsa, jive, hip-hop, Kathak and tap dance). I’ve got a new show on air as well, but I had a lot of fun when I was jobless, and I want to retain some of that even when I have a show to host.

Ever since I left The Tonight Show, all my meals had been freebies. All the network execs keep inviting me to lunches and dinners to discuss my future at their network. I turned most of them down, not because I’m playing hard-to-get, but because the food at most of my party gigs is way better.

I said that walking from The Tonight Show is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. That was a Big Fat Lie. It was actually the easiest. Well, I did regret getting the boot, and I had thought it would be The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien for more than seven months, but hey, I walked away a hero, a gentleman who doesn’t play dirty. I now have more fans than when I actually hosted the show, actually any NBC show, which guarantees high ratings for my new show. And did you see my severance package? 45 mil, more than enough to keep the gravy train permanently at my station for the rest of my life. But, best of all, it was watching Jay take it from everybody. I was ROFL when Jimmy took him apart on Jay’s own show, LMAO when everybody from Letterman to my mailman took potshots at him. Jay, you think you got The Tonight Show, you big fat old porn star? You think the audience is going to forgive you for what you did to me? Ha, let’s see you have even a fifth of the ratings I had. The Tonight Show with Jay Leno is going to crash and burn, baby, you’re going to begin with the audience booing and end with the audience throwing eggs at you (though, knowing you, you’d probably gather the eggs for dinner). I shall have the last laugh. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!

So, before I sign off, I have a small favor to ask. I need a sidekick for my party gigs, as both Weinberg and Richter think that it’s beneath them. So I’m auditioning for sidekick position. Send me videos of your comedy sketch and if I think you’re good, you’re on. Dude, stop frowning, performing standup with me is way more lucrative than performing at the seamy bar on the corner of the street. Plus, if we hit it off, you could audition for sidekick for my show. Cool, right? Go, polish your sketches and send them to me.

And before I sign off,

Q: What is Jay’s favorite computer?
A: The Lenovo. And he wants to host it too!