Monday, November 29, 2010

Rupert Murdoch

WHO AM I: Media mogul

Your generation is a pretty pathetic one. You want everything free: news, music, movies, TV, everything. Losers, there is no such thing as a free lunch, and you seem to have forgotten that. Well, I’m best at teaching people lessons they never forget. And that’s what I’m going to do now, just after I’ve got my daily job from Wendi dearest. Oh, you know, a good sex life produces hormones that prevent aging, and I’m determined to live till at least 110.
Google is a monster, Google is a vulture. I didn’t pay 5 billion for Wall Street Journal just so Google could give off all my stuff free to their users. The reason I got into the online biz was because I saw all those 18-something upstarts making their first million before having their first drink. All my advisors told me there were pots of money to be made online, and of course, I wasn’t going to let some striplings make off with my fortune. But apparently, people expect me to give all my stuff away for free. The hell I will! You want to get any NewsCorp stuff online, you got to pay premium rates for it, baby. And if Google thinks it can let all the flimflam in, they are so wrong. I am going to block Google from accessing my site, and create so many paywalls that the freebie-searching scum will be kicked out on their butts. I’m a billionaire, and I’ve been around fleecing people billions of years before Google was even born, so if they think they can take me on, bring it on!

Some nutjobs are telling me that nobody’s going to pay for reading something if they can find a free alternative. But that’s just the point. Free => no effort =>trash. Nobody puts in time and effort into something they’re not going to earn anything out of. So when users flock to the free sites and get dished out trash, they’re going to come crawling back to me. And I’m going to use my considerable influence (and millions) to make sure that all these free sites get buried under tons of litigation and government bullying. You know the new FTC blogger rules? I secretly lobbied for it, so that bloggers could be brought down and people would go back to genuine sites like mine.

So, you want to write for WSJ, or the Post, or Times or GQ? Yeah, I own all of them, and I know that you would probably kill for such an opportunity. Simple, just write an article in support of paying for information and entertainment on the Web, and why Rupert Murdoch is such an awesome person for insisting that everybody do it. Call Google a big bullshitter and you get bonus points. I’m not going to read your article, don’t be silly, I don’t have time. But yeah, if yours is the best, it’ll be published in one of my papers or magazines and I could give you two minutes in my office to shake my hand and fall at my feet. You never know, I could take a liking to you and put you on my team. And if you are a young girl (preferably around 25), you could be my new wife; I’m getting a little bored of my Chinese trophy. So go write!