Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Perez Hilton

WHO AM I: Gossip blogger

Perez Hilton

Charlie is wasted, Britney is beyond repair, John Mayer is gay. Want more gossip? Just ask Uncle Perez.

Do you have any idea how powerful I am in Hollywood? All your darling celebs live in mortal fear of my next post. One post on Perez, and they are poorer by a couple of mil. One Perez doodle on their pic, and they are probably going to get face-alteration surgery. I am a living breathing example of how a fat gay gossip can become big in Hollywood, so much so that Hohan calls you up in the middle of the night begging you not to doodle over her drunk party pics. TMZ can suck my ass, Perez is THE GREATEST.

I know I’m Hollywood’s most hated guy. Not because of the gossip I publish. No, even pathetic wannabes like TMZ come up with pretty much the same stuff I do. Not because of my snarky doodles. No, I know they are, like, AWESOME, but that’s not why H-land considers moi Enemy of the State. They hate me because I keep pestering all those gays to leave their dusty closets and come smell the roses. What the hell am I supposed to have done wrong? Dude, stop being hypocrites, it ain’t 1970 anymore. It’s okay if you are straight or gay, and if anybody says it isn’t and screws your career for that, you should punch ‘em in the face (or tell Uncle Perez, he will kill their careers), not burrow deeper in your hobbit-hole. Look at Neil Patrick Harris. Before coming out, he was just cute lil’ Doogie. Now he’s the cool ladies’man from HIMYM. I made his career, dude, he is big because Perez made him big. So stop bitching, that’s Perez’ job!

So, why did I pull my pen all the way to this pathetic blog? Well, I need new contributors to my blog. I get by flicking a lot of stuff from others’ blogs, but sometimes you need that exclusive which will give you 20 mil pageviews a day. And for that I need helpers to gatecrash more parties, photo more drunk chicks, spy on more stars and pick up all their juicy quotes. You know, be a good gossip blog spy. All you wannabe Perezes, I want you all to write a typical PAGE for my blog. Pull in all the gossips you have, get snarky and doodly, make your ideal Perez FrontPage. And if I like it, you’re on, baby.

Perez Sez get going!