Friday, April 2, 2010

Simon Cowell

WHO AM I: Music and TV personality

Simon Cowell

Normally if you’d ask me what I thought of this blog, I’d tell you it was bullshit, an eyesore, a waste of space. But then, that’s what I thought of SuBo, and look at what she turned out to be. Thing is, I’m thinking of doing a little investment in the dot-com industry, and who knows, this blog could turn out to be the next big one, and then the owners won’t let me invest in it coz I badmouthed them earlier. So yeah, I think there is potential in this blog, and I’m proud to be its first writer.

Why am I so mean to the contestants? They suck, true, but can’t I let them down easily? Look, I put up the money for the show, and I’ve got a pair of sensitive ears, so when some idiot comes up with a voice like a concrete mixer, I see no reason why I shouldn’t say so. Fools think they’ve got talent. Sure, they’ve got talent, talent to make me laugh my ass off, talent to make me want to make out with Paula so that they’d shut up. But talent to sing? You kidding me?

I like working with new talent- no tantrums, no issues. Most of them are dying for me to take them on, and I don’t need to hire servants- the most desperate “stars” do my laundry, clean my house, cook and drive me around. Obviously, they’ve got no hope in the industry, who’d sign Simon’s sweeper on? But it’s fun, you know, watching them hover around whenever I have a party- my chefs rustle up the best dishes, the waiters are so efficient, my puke-moppers scrub ever so conscientiously. The people who actually make it to the recording studio are so thankful that they do whatever I want, sign off all their rights and royalties to me. And sing their heart out, which makes them chartbusters. So much better than working with those stuck-up divas. I actually tried working with JLo once and she made me walk her dog around the studio while she sang, said it calms her down! Oh, the horror!

So kiddos, I’m thinking of starting this new web talent hunt. I mean, there are so many “talented” people on YouTube, I could definitely mint some money organizing a show around them. So if you think you’ve got a talent, whether it be singing, dancing or balancing seven cats on your head, make a video of it and upload it on my website. I’m looking forward to mocking you guys.

I’m Simon Cowell, and you all suck.