Monday, May 3, 2010

Jesse James

WHO AM I: TV Personality

Yeah, so I banged a couple of chicks on the side. So what? I mean, this is Hollywood, nobody eats homemade food anymore. What’s the whole hoo-haa? Woodsie did it, why can’t I?

Look, dudes, I’m a bike guy. I grew up racing at those shady drag races (yeah, the one you went to and ran away from coz the muscled guy with tattooed arms pinched your butt), and I’ve lived the life. You know, speed, booze, drugs and of course, gurlzzz. Yeah, I may have turned businessman and all, but at heart, I’m still that guy. That’s why I did Jesse James is a Dead Man; I loved all those cool stunts, my heart racing, adrenaline pumping. All stuff I missed sorely after marrying Sandy.

Dude, Sandy is a b**ch. I mean, she literally chained me. No fast life, no racing, no hot girls crawling all over me. I mean, my first two wives were so cool, we could all sleep with different people while still being married to each other. My second wife, Janine, was ultra-cool- she was a porn star, you know, and she would hook me up with all the hotties in the industry. Wham! Yeah, I know it ended badly, she was kinda psycho, but still…But Sandy, God, she was a prick! I mean, she refused to introduce me to any of her hot friends. Girl, didn’t she get it? The only reason I married her was to upgrade from porn stars to real movie stars. Dude, I so wanted to sleep with Kate Winslet, and Sandy wouldn’t let me get close. I had to make do with slutty models. Come on, you think I wanted to play whoopee with Ms Bombshell (God, who even has such a name!) But I was barred from the cream, so I had to take the spoilt milk.

Do I regret what I did? No way, but yeah, I do regret it coming out. Now Sandy is going to put out a notice to all the bloody networks to drop me from their lineup. She’s already got the guy who wanted to make a movie, about me starring me, to back out. My burgeoning TV career is gone, man!  Dude, I paid all those girls to shut up, but Bomby figured there was more money in spilling (I think she got tips from Tiger’s mistresses). Three are already out, God knows who will come out next! Dudes, you guys understand, don’t you? I mean, a guy can’t just live on what his wife gives, he’s got sample what’s out there once in a while. All I ask from you guys is solidarity. Buy my bikes, drive them around throwing “I’m with you Jesse” fliers all around, stir up a grassroots campaign which will be picked up by the blogs and then TV networks and I’ll get a brand new show. Dude, we bros gotta stick together, or else the b**ches will take over the world.  Do this for me, will ya?

Gotta go. Chick in my room is getting frisky.