Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Fabio Capello

WHO AM I: Football coach

Roo's been here, has he? The worthless lazy good-for-nothing pathetic scoundrel, he's the worst of the band of nincompoops I had to bring to South Africa. He's out of my team, that's for sure. I will put a pot-smoking country hick in his place, but I will not call him back.

But why blame only him? The whole f***ing team is a bunch of ballet dancers, who think that touching a football will ruin their frigging toes. I put in all my heart, all my soul and all my energy into coaching them, and for a while, it looked like it worked. MY team sailed through the qualifiers, and with a little work, we could bring even the mighty Brazil to its knees. But then those idiots got over-confident, thought that spending time with their dumb little WAGs was more important than attending a practice that I, Fabio Capello, most successful manager ever, called. Those jerks, they actually have the nerve to come up to me and say, hey coach, we ain't gonna come today, we're sunbathing in Hawaii/shooting commercial for Nike/cheating on my wife. I wanted to put a hit on them, had a couple of capos on speed dial, but those nutcases at the FA said no, you can't run the team like you ran your clubs. We're English, we're elite, we're frigging royalty. See where royalty leads you? Listen, bubkins, we've done things the good ol' English way and failed. So now we do it Italian style, the way it should have been done. Terry, your ass is on line.

I need an assistant to help me carry out my coaching duties. What do you need to know? Nothing, just the football basics- what is offside, when a ball has crossed the line, how to use a cane. Just send in your résumé with your football credentials and stuff. None of those "I love football coz I once saw Lampard in a bar", solid football work- coaching, playing, even if it's in your high school team. Send it in, I'll pick the best man, and we'll whip England back into shape.

Image sourced from here