Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Wayne Rooney

WHO AM I: Footballer

STOP BOOING! Or else I'm gonna come and kick ya arse! Whether or not I can kick a football into the net, I can still kick ass. Like hell! So if ur the one forwarding those cheesy "David Blaine is pissed coz his world record of doing nothing for 42 hours has been broken by Wayne Rooney!" messages, stop it RIGHT NOW, or u won't know what hit u.

Dude, we so deserved that goal! And u know wat? If we’d got it, it would have been us in the quarters, not those frigging Nazis. Yeah, I’m telling u, with that goal, we’d have kicked some serious German arse. U know, I’d decided that I wud score in the second half, a delicious Man U strike that wud shut all my critics up. But when Lamp was denied his goal, the guy was so heartbroken that I had to spend all my time sending positive vibes over to him so that he wudn’t crash down in the middle, and so I cudn’t concentrate on getting my goal. Yeah, despite my foul mouth, I’m a very compassionate man. I can’t bear to see a teammate in tears. That’s why I spent all my time comforting Cole after his divorce and cudn’t practice for the World Cup. That’s why my performance was kinda down this time, not becoz I suck.

That ref, I’m so gonna kill him! Motherf***ing b*****d! Even a guy on the other side of the galaxy saw that the ball clearly crossed the line. But that…oh, even I don’t have words for him. I went up to him at halftime and told him exactly wat I thought- he was a frigtard who was going to rot in the deepest reaches of hell and be torn apart by rabid dogs. If he ends up in a shady alley with broken ribs and a face bloodier than our flag’s stripes, England will know who to thank. If that goal had come through, we’d have kept those Hitlers at bay and forced the game to penalties. And we wudn’t have repeated our mistakes- me, Gerry, Lamp and Barry have been at the nets like devils, practicing penalties till the ball tore. We’d have won the Cup this time, but that goddamn son of a…

Well, I’m coming back to England, and I really need a sparring partner. Many of you don’t know, but I’m actually a boxing champion, and it was a career I’d briefly considered before football. So anyways, I really need to let out my frustration and I need some guys to beat up. Auditions are happening this weekend, so please sign up. U can let out ur disappointment and I my rage.

Grrrrrrr…grunt, grunt…


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