Monday, August 16, 2010

LeBron James

WHO AM I: Basketball player

Hey, Cavvies! Stop calling me at crazy hours! I’ve changed my number like a million times, but still some punk manages to call me up when I’m in the middle of something. Someone, more specifically. I’ve got recordings of all those calls, and the day I find you assholes, I WILL kill you.

Look dude, I’m a free man. I know that for you gas station attendants and supermarket workers in Cleveland, the Cavs winning 8 straight playoff games by double-digit margins was like the highlight of your pathetic existence, but to me, it was just another day in office. And sometimes you need a new office. For let’s face it, Cleveland stinks. It’s poor, it’s boring, it’s in Ohio. And don’t get me started on the eye-candy! Hell, the city is called Cleveland, but the cleavage on offer is so substandard that…didn't I tell you not to get me started! Duh, a home change was on the cards since I was 12, but it was only now that I’ve got enough clout to pull it off.

Look, I ain’t got much for this blog, especially one whose output rate worse than Barkley’s gambling winnings, but, well, I need to cultivate some image. I don’t really give a damn about the Clevelanders, but I’ve got some heat from New Yorkers over the whole Miami Heats thing, and I don’t want to get into their bad books, coz New York chicks are Hot. So, I’m giving away season tickets for any team you want. Mavs, Knicks, Lakers, anyone. All you gotta do is come up with a great publicity campaign for me. Get this whole thing going about how I’m a good guy, but greatly misunderstood and maligned (is that the right word?) for a choice I’ve made which is completely my own decision and should affect nobody whatsoever. If I like your ideas, I promise that you can assist my PR guy on all my future publicity work, if you intend to get a job in the publicity biz. And if you don’t… well, season tickets. For your entire life, if you come up with something mindblowing.

King James

Image sourced from here