It’s been months since the whole Conan thing blew up, and people still think I’m the bad guy, despite me being extra nice on air nowadays. I’m not the bad guy. How could I be the bad guy? I’m the roly-poly jolly old uncle with the bellyful of laughs, I’m the God of Tonight, I’m Jay Leno. I’m a very nice guy, it’s all goddamn Brien’s fault.
Dude, I’m the best host Tonight Show ever had and I’m the biggest thing NBC ever had, or will ever have. Yeah, I know how everybody keeps going on about Carson, but trust me, he was just a big piece of shtick. I wrote most of his jokes and even gave him tips on how to deliver them and get the most laughs. That’s why Carson didn’t want me to be his successor; he knew people would forget him if I hosted. That’s why he wanted that fuddy-duddy Letterman, that idiot who can’t string two jokes in a sentence. But I took over, and Carson was just a fuzzy memory for 17 years. That is, till Conan started his ballyhoo about not destroying Carson’s legacy.
Schmuck knows how to make an exit, that’s for sure! I handed over Tonight to him without much fanfare, and he couldn’t keep it afloat at all. I mean, he lost 50% of my viewers within a couple of months! And he didn’t even have the decency to tell them to switch to my show! Jay Leno Show flopped not because Jay Leno was bad, but because Conan torpedoed him. I was so good that people did not want anybody else hosting Tonight, and hence they boycotted both Conan’s show and mine so that Conan would get out and I would come back. I went to Jeff and I said, get Conan out of my show, or I’ll go screw NBC asses on Fox-air (and off it too). It worked, but then Conan the Barbarian got extra smart and decided to have a pity party. I’ve decided, I’m not going to leave Tonight ever again, coz NBC will probably hang itself, and the next host will mess it up further. Fallon, say bye-bye to your Tonight Show dreams, coz I’m going to transfer my brain into a clone body so that I can continue as host even after I die.
I’m giving all of you a chance to get on the Tonight Show (and myself a chance to get into your good books). Not as an audience member, but as a co-host. Yes, you heard that right! All you gotta do is send me a video of your comedy sketch, and if you are the best standup I see, you get to be up here with me, delivering a few jokes and being the butt of most. Who said something about 15 minutes of fame? You’ll get a full hour, and many more, coz I’m going to recycle your appearance for jokes for the next two years.
And because, a Jay Leno appearance isn’t complete without a Jay Leno funny line.
Q: Why does Jay support the ‘Don’t Eat Chocolate: It’s Bad for Your Health’ movement?
A: Because chocolate has Coco in it. And we all know, Coco sucks!
