Friday, October 15, 2010

Lachlan Murdoch

WHO AM I: Businessman

Yeah, I know most of you don’t know me. I’m the eldest son of Rupert Murdoch, once upon a time heir apparent, a position darling Jimmy now holds. If you wiki me, you’ll learn that I resigned from News Corp and walked away to form a company of my own. After five years, I wanna tell you why.

Dad’s a bitch. He’s determined to be head of NewsCorp forever, and screw anybody who comes in the way of that dream. Bloody old geezer, he had me remain chairman-in-training for ten bloody years, giving me all the work without any of the power. I strengthened the Australian side of NewsCorp, I pulled his stupid Post up from the brink, and all I get for my efforts are snide references to how Chernin and Ailes didn’t need a Rupert to guide them, how Jimmy is such a poster boy for SkyB (or whatever the shit it is that he runs), how Rupert is God and I will never be like him. For the past ten years, I have prayed daily to God to let Rupert move in permanently upstairs, or at least put him into a coma, but the guy just keeps going on and on. Do you know, he sleeps in a hyperbaric chamber to slow down aging, and takes 30 different pills, made from substances ranging from crocus extract to camel hide, to remain “youthful and vigorous”? Yeah, that’s why he married Wendi “Bang”; she helps him maintain his aura of invincibility by faking it every night.

I resigned because I didn’t want to be another Prince Charles, waiting for Queen Elizabeth to die. Why should I slog my ass away for a post that may not be mine for the next 20 years, while I can live it up, and do my own thing, just by using the family name? It’s easier to be a Murdoch outside NewsCorp, all your father’s enemies are suddenly more than willing to help the son who walked away.  Let Jimmy boy have the CEO post, he’s gonna realize that there is no place in the modern world for the unwieldy empire that Rupert has built up. And after I left, I have more time to concentrate on family politics, to cement my “relationship” with Dad, and make sure that Wendimom doesn’t extend her tenacious claws to my trust fund.

After leaving NewsCorp, I started a new venture, Illyria (I dare you to come up with a better name after three all-nighters!). We’ve made a lot of investments in the media industry, and while it’s no NewsCorp, it is a pretty nifty thing I have going. Thing is, I need a good website for Illyria; what I have right now is what I coded one night with a HTML textbook open on my lap. So I’m looking for web designers who’ll make a really cool website for Illyria. Send in your ideas and designs, the best one will be featured as the new site’s designer (and probably, you’ll get a job in one of the companies I’ve invested in).

Image sourced from here