Friday, October 29, 2010

Lestat De Lioncourt

A hundred years ago, if you had told me that my dinner would walk up to me and demand to be eaten, I’d have laughed in your face, called you an idiot and bitten your head off. I apologize for my presumptuous attitude; I really did not know that humans could be such fools.

The other day, I went to a vampire bar. My first time, actually. I’ve been shying away from these things because, honestly, I’m a little old-fashioned. I prefer terrifying my meals, watching them struggle and then sinking my teeth into them; the adrenaline rush makes the blood sweeter. But when last week a pamphlet for Fangrilla was thrust into my hand, I decided to let go of my beliefs and give it a shot. I turned up at the appointed time, bared my fangs and was let in.

Whoa!  Hordes of skanky hos in invisible costumes wandering around, being picked up by shady dudes in shadier vampy costumes. I was an instant hit, what with my dapper attire and my dashing good looks, I had a dozen chicks chasing me, begging me to go to bed with them. I said no, thank you, I have come here for dinner, I’ll just take a bite out of you and leave. But they were so insistent and persistent that there was nothing for me to do but oblige. And boy, wasn’t it fun! I’m not telling you what I did with them, or how many were there, but suffice to say, I had the time of my unlife. And to think that I have a pasty-faced angsty teenager to thank for it! Edward Cullen, I think you are a shame to the name “vampire”, and I really don’t get your grunting and sighing over that pathetic girlfriend of yours, but I can’t deny that you have made life more enjoyable for us real vampires.

So, I got together with a couple of my vampire friends, and we decided to cash in on this vampire craze, while it lasted. What we are doing is offering you an interview with a vampire, a real one. You tell us how vamp-crazy you really are and we decide if you are eligible enough to meet one of us in the flesh. You get an awesome story from us, and we get a little juice from you. If we like you enough, we may even turn you into one of us, but that’s a matter for later. So, turn up at any of these locations: Fangrilla, Fangtabulous, Blood And Gore, Bite Me, Vampire Strikes Back or Deadly Drinks.