Friday, November 19, 2010

Michelle Bachmann

WHO AM I: Politician

$200 million dollars a day, 3000 people, 500 rooms, 40 aircraft, 37 warships! Obama’s trip is not extravagant, it’s life-threatening. Oh, you read that forward. Good one, right? My office drafted the mail, I put in the numbers, based on random people’s fantasy baseball league scores.

You know, when we won, I was so happy. I was like, WOOOOOO!!!!! Finally, my lifelong dream is gonna be achieved. I’m gonna be the first woman President of the United States. I was so happy I started doing the Sandra Bullock dance scene in Proposal (you know, the one she does around the fire with Betty White) and a page captured it on camera. He was gonna sell it to the liberal media for a million dollars a second (it was a 72 sec clip), but I promised him a show on Fox, and he gave me the video. Woo!!

Wait, you think Palin’s gonna be President? That frozen hick, who can’t even ride her state animal? Please, Michael Jackson has a better chance of rising from the dead than Palin has of becoming President. What is she gonna do in the White House, organize Dancing With the Stars tea parties? Seriously girl, the best thing for you to do is prevent your fat daughter from growing fatter and having babies with just about every guy in Alaska, NOT lust for MY job.

So, back to my Presidency. The first thing I’m gonna do as President is make Johnny Depp an American citizen. I’ve had a huge crush on him ever since I saw him in Sleepy Hollow, and I would love to, you know, get to know him better. I know he’s an alien, and I have a very strict policy against aliens, but hey, I can make exceptions for drool-to-the-ground hotties. I’m also going to pass a very strict law forbidding him from dressing in horrible getups for his movies (I puked when I saw him in Alice in Wonderland!). But before I do all this, I’d like to meet him first. I’ve tried to set up numerous meetings with him, but he seems to be really busy (or is he avoiding me?). So, I’ve decided to stalk him and turn up when he least expects it. Do one thing, turn it into a Twitter trending topic, #depplocation. That way, all you other fans can catch a glimpse of Johnny too, though I get dibs.

Find Johnny, and vote Republican. And boo Palin.


Image sourced from here