Monday, December 20, 2010

Jennifer Lopez

WHO AM I: Singer

Hey, this blog looks atrocious! Didn’t I say I want a soothing white background, with all text written in size 14 Zapfino font and use only the PNG images I give you (DON’T edit them, I will sue you for defamation). Go change it, RIGHT NOW, or else I’m not typing another word. And yes, I want a thousand white tulips, a Cavalli gown and a box of Knipschildt chocolates delivered within the next 24 hours. If you don’t, I’m bringing in an injunction to stop this piece from being published.

I so need a controversy, people have stopped writing about me. So, my dear lovers, I’m going to talk about the one great love of my life. No, not Marc, he features in my Top 10 Loves, but he ain’t numero uno. That spot is reserved for Fur. Yep, I luuuuuuuurv fur. I’ve got, like, this fur room in my house, where everything is made of fur- the sofas, the lampshades, the bedspreads. It’s just so awesome, I wear my chinchilla coats and just laze around in the room, soaking in all that fur. Lover, don’t give me that horrified look. Are you a PETA person? Then go eat dung. Why, it belongs to the animals you love, to protect which you come and throw eggs at my mink coats. All this animal rights crap is bullshit. Dude, animals were made to be eaten or worn. I mean, come on, would you prefer a leopard snapping at your throat or as a shawl around your shoulders? 

See, I’m trying very hard to remain visible. You saw me in those cameos in How I Met Your Mother and Glee, and I’m trying to get the House people to write a role for me, maybe as a famous singer who loses her voice just days before her Grammy performance. So lovers, I want you guys to organize a campaign to get me on that show. Lovers, I’ll be super hot, I shake my booty and sing like a seductress, and maybe get House to sleep with me. It’ll be AWESOME!! I’m working on a couple of storylines, so I’m counting on you guys to back me up on this. Hey, it’s not much work lovers, just go to the NBC (or ABC or watever) site and shoot off a mail to them.

Jennyliciously yours