Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Julian Assange

WHO AM I: Whistleblower

Note: This post was submitted before Assange went and got himself arrested.

Do you know how difficult the life of a super-spy is? I move around constantly, my suitcase is filled with disguises and fake identities, I sleep with a new woman every night. Hell, who am I kidding? It’s an awesome life! And I get big governments to grovel before me and fill my Swiss bank accounts with money in hope that I will not leak any more stuff. 

You may consider the Iraq war logs and the Afghan war diaries and the recent diplomatic cables leak to be some of the biggest scoops of this era. But let me tell you, the juiciest material I have has nothing to do with these. I’ve got treasure troves of material regarding the lurid sex lives of every nation’s top politicos, material creamed away from intelligence agency reports, CIA chitchat and home videos taken by security staff. For example, did you know that Nicolas Sarkozy has a monthly Satanic cult meeting in the Golden Room of the Elysee Palace, and his wife bellydances there as the showstopper. Or that a bunch of Labour MPs used to visit this discreet S&M club in East London, and there are loads of pictures from their rendezvous.  Or that the NSA has a whole dossier on Michelle Obama’s wild child days, including her 6-month stay at a nudist settlement and her stint as lead guitarist of a Sex Pistols-ish band in her early twenties. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

There are tons of material that I’ve gathered from my hacking days, memos and pictures and videos that are gathering dust in our archives, stuff that we won’t be releasing in the near future. Why not, you ask. Because that would be taking it too far. People respect Wikileaks now because we do honest journalism, so if we degraded to releasing sex tapes, we’d be nothing better than a trashy gossip rag. And I don’t want to be remembered as that. I want to be remembered as the guy who changed the face of news, the Nelson Mandela of media who didn’t let go of his ideals despite vast international pressure, the James Bond of journalism.

Wikileaks is the most strongly guarded fortress in the history of strongly guarded fortresses, but we’re under a lot of pressure from various government organizations. As you saw, our servers were under attack, our web host and our DNS host ditched us, and now I’m trying to find alternative homes for both myself and my website. I call upon you hackers to right my wrongs. Hack into every government database and screw it up. NASA, NSA, FBI, CIA, MI5, etc. Don’t do much, just corrupt their database by introducing a virus that overwrites everything with a message like “Wikileaks RULES!!!” Do it for me. Do it for your freedom. 

So get cracking. I mean, hacking. I gotta fly to Amsterdam tonight.


P.S. Oh CIA, don’t bother hacking into these poor bloggers’ accounts to get my IP. I’ve hacked into their account and published this post.