Monday, April 5, 2010

Kate Gosselin

WHO AM I: TV Personality

Kate Gosselin

Hey, you motherf***ing sons of b**ches! I’m awesome, I ROCK! You’d better vote for me on Dancing With the Stars or else I’m gonna come and bash your f***ass faces into the nearest wall. I want to win, okay. I WILL WIN.

Look, I gave birth to six bloody kids at a time. You know what a pain that was! You heard all the bullshit about the pain being worth it, and pain all vanishing when you look at the sleeping faces of your little angels- that’s all a load of crap. The moment I saw those six cribs next to me I was calculating diaper costs and nanny wages and school fees and mortgage bills and I just went crazy and broke quite a bit of the equipment in the hospital (they put it on the TV show’s bill). God, we had to rent a truck just to take that brood home. And then feeding them and changing their diapers and all that baby shit you do just drove me mad. Dude, how much poop can a baby hold!

Dancing With the Stars was such a relief. After my show got cancelled (coz bloody Jon got cold feet), I was stuck with eight screaming kids in the house and no job. I really, really needed something to pay the nannies’ wages, and when I got the call from the show’s producers, I screamed with joy (they thought I had a fit and sent an ambulance!). Winning the show is gonna keep me rolling in riches for a few months to come, so obviously I was pissed off when my idiotic partner couldn’t step up his moves. Dude, I don’t tolerate losers, my kids know that, and it’s time Tardy Tony learnt that too. We have an awesome chance of winning, you know. I mean, just look at the competition! Aldrin, seriously! Oldie, you’re supposed to be on a heart-lung machine, not trying to beat me on the dance floor. Pammy is good only for her boobs and Chad should just go back to NFL. The only serious competition I have is Miss Pussycat and that figure-skating guy, and I have secret plans to take them down.

Look, you better vote for me or else I’m gonna find you and leave all my kids with you, and then send you to jail for kidnapping. See, if you’re the highest voter, I got a special prize for you- I’ll give you 1% of my winnings and a chance to have dinner with me. If you’re a guy, it’s a hot date and probably the beginning of a hot affair; if you’re a lady, I’ll give you baby tips. Vote. For Me. NOW.